


holding on for so long

by chaotic_carisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:22:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28456017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaotic_carisi/pseuds/chaotic_carisi
Summary: “Will you kiss him at midnight?” Benson asked, clearly noticing the look on Rafael’s face,“Of course not.” He replied, shaking his head, but he couldn’t ignore the thought that had planted itself firmly in his mind.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Kudos: 44





	holding on for so long

New Year's Eve, 2014 

Rafael glanced down at his watch, once again checking the time. 30 minutes until midnight. He looked back up, scanning the crowd of detectives for one familiar face. 

“Carisi isn’t here yet.” Benson said, handing Rafael a glass. 

He nodded, knowing there was no use in trying to hide his disappointment. “I suppose it's too late to expect him to show up now.” 

“Maybe not.” Benson nodded towards the door, where Sonny Carisi had just walked in, a ridiculous grin spreading across his face as he grabbed a drink and joined the crowd. 

Rafael watched as Carisi joked with the other detectives. He had only been at the precinct for a few months, but he already fit in with the others. He couldn’t help but feel jealous as he saw how easy it was for Carisi to mix with the others. 

“Will you kiss him at midnight?” Benson asked, clearly noticing the look on Rafael’s face, 

“Of course not.” He replied, shaking his head, but he couldn’t ignore the thought that had planted itself firmly in his mind. Rafael had to fight a laugh as he imagined how Carisi’s moustache would feel against his lip if they did kiss. 

“I think you should at least try.” She said, following Rafael’s gaze across the room to Carisi. “Staring wistfully won’t get you anywhere, Rafa.” 

Sighing, Rafael tore his eyes away from Carisi. “It’ll pass soon enough, Liv. There’s no point doing anything.” Rafael moved away from Benson before she could answer, instead making his rounds with the other detectives. 

Before he knew it, it was finally almost midnight, and soon enough the countdown started. Rafael removed himself from the crowd and backed up against a wall. 

10

9

Rafael watched as the detectives coupled up. 

8 

7 

Carisi looked around the crowd, seemingly looking for someone. 

6

5 

Someone got Carisi’s attention, he looked away, somewhat sadly. 

4 

3 

Rafael felt his stomach drop. Who had Carisi been looking for?

2 

1 

Rafael watched from the sidelines as the room erupted in cheers and laughter and those who had coupled up began to kiss. He couldn’t help but notice how Carisi only kissed Rollins on the cheek. Perhaps they didn't know each other that well, or maybe Carisi had been looking for someone else in the crowd. 

Liv sidled up to Rafael once more. “Maybe next year?”

“Sure, next year.” 

New Years Eve, 2015 

Rafael made his way into the precinct, dodging detectives as he made his way to the lieutenant's office at the back of the room. He knocked the open door to get Benson’s attention, leaning against the door frame as she looked up. 

“I didn’t think you would show up.” She said, looking up from her laptop and leaning back in her chair. 

“I almost didn’t.” Rafael said, walking into her office and placing the expensive bottle of wine he was holding on her desk. “But, I figured a night off would help, so long as I can hide in here and drink.”

“Hide?” Benson stood up and walked around her desk, leaning against it as Rafael sat on the couch across from her. As he sat down, she caught sight of Carisi arriving with Dodds.”Ah, hide.” She nodded. 

“Maybe I should’ve just tried last year.” He said, head in his hands. “Then maybe that would be me holding hands and laughing with him.” Rafael sighed as he imagined how it felt to be Mike Dodds right about now. 

Rafael would never have called himself a jealous man, but for the past few months, he had been incredibly jealous. 

He felt it fill his stomach when he saw Dodds and Carisi kissing at the courthouse. He felt it as it made his hands shake when he noticed how the pair looked at each other. 

Worst of all, he felt it flooding through his entire body right now as he sat on the couch listening to them laughing behind him. 

"You'll find someone Raf." Benson said, pouring a glass of wine for each of them. 

"I thought I had found someone." He frowned, then stood up shaking his head. "No more." He said, taking the glass from Liv. 

"No more?" She took a sip of her own wine, a puzzled look on her face. 

"No more feeling when there's no chance of anything happening. No more falling in love with the wrong person." Rafael said, loosening his tie and downing his glass. 

"Love?" 

"Well, not love." The word had slipped out. "But no more feeling this way."

"Rafa, have you been drinking?" She asked, putting a hand on his shoulder to steady him as he wobbled a little. 

"Just a drop." He said, turning around to look out at the crowd. "Is it time?" 

Benson glanced at the clock on her wall. "5 til midnight." 

"Then I suppose I need to find someone to kiss." Rafael said, leaving his empty glass on her desk. 

Rafael made his way out of Benson's office, passing by officers and detectives as he scanned the crowd.He wasn't sure who he was looking for, just that he was looking for someone. 

Soon he found himself in the centre of the room, surrounded by detectives. His head began to spin along with the room. 

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned to face Sonny Carisi. Without meaning to, he found himself staring at his lips, no longer topped with a moustache. 

"Hi." He said, lost for words, forcing his gaze away from Sonny's lips and up to his eyes. 

"Hey! I was looking for you." Sonny said, and he seemed to genuinely mean it. 

Rafael couldn’t have been more confused, even with the alcohol clouding his thoughts. “Me? Why?” 

“Well, I wanted to thank you. I passed the bar. I probably wouldn’t have managed without your help.” Sonny still had his hand on Rafael’s shoulder, squeezing lightly as he spoke. 

“Oh.” Was all Rafael could manage. “Well, I’m glad I helped, but I think most of it was you.” 

Before Sonny could answer, the surrounding crowd began to count down. 

It was time already. 

10 

9 

Sonny shrugged apologetically, turning and pushing through the crowd. 

8 

7 

Rafael watched, frozen on the spot as Carisi found Dodds. 

6 

5 

The jealousy ran through him again as he watched how the pair looked at each other. 

4 

3 

Guilt overtook jealousy. They were happy, and Rafael should be happy for them. 

2

1 

Rafael dropped his gaze to the floor as the couple kissed and the room erupted in cheers once more. 

That could have been me, Rafael thought as he walked towards the door, not waiting to say goodbye to anyone. 

New Years Eve, 2016 

The mood inside the precinct was low, matching the dark weather outside, unusually low for New Year's Eve. 

Rafael dodged past the downtrodden detectives, making his way once more to the back of the room. He was halfway there, when suddenly he noticed something - someone - out of the corner of his eye. 

Carisi was at his desk, head resting on the crook of his elbow. 

Before he knew it, Rafael had turned and was walking towards Carisi’s desk. He paused for a moment behind him then reached out, placing his hand gently on his shoulder as Carisi had once done a year ago. 

Carisi flinched, turning to look at who had disturbed him. 

“Are you alright?” Rafael asked, already knowing it was a stupid question. He felt the sadness radiating from Carisi as clear as day. Carisi reached up, wiping his red eyes with his sleeve before standing up. 

“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” The pain in Carisi’s voice was clear as well. 

“Wouldn’t you be better off at home tonight, Sonny?” 

Carisi froze. That was the first time the counsellor had called him by his first name. 

“Home reminds me of him.” He muttered, staring at something behind Rafael. 

Rafael turned, and felt a wave of unexpected sadness rush through him as he found himself looking at Mike Dodds’ memorial plaque. 

It had been a few months, but the pain was still fresh with the squad, especially with Carisi. 

"Sonny, I think you should go home." Rafael said softly, turning back to face him."Let me take you home."

Rafael put a hand on Carisi's back, turning him gently towards the door and beginning to walk through the crowd. Sonny didn't complain, just let himself be led through the crowd.

Before long, they were outside, bracing themselves against the cold night air. 

“Which way?” Rafael asked. He had never been to Carisi’s apartment before, and hadn’t expected to go anytime soon. “Sonny?” 

Sonny wasn’t listening to Rafael. He was leaning back, staring straight up at the night sky. Without realising, he whispered, “It’s beautiful.” 

Rafael looked up and instantly understood what Sonny meant. He watched as shooting stars darted across the dark canvas of the sky and found familiar constellations in the maze of stars. 

Rafael found himself lost in the stars, forgetting where he really was and who he was with until the familiar shouting started back inside the precinct. 

He listened to the countdown, echoed from other buildings across the street as well as the precinct, then turned around to face Sonny. 

“Happy new year, Counsellor.” Sonny said, but there was still a sadness in his voice. 

“Happy new year, Carisi. Now let’s get you home.”

  
New Years Eve, 2017

Rafael only showed up to the precinct out of obligation this year. Liv asked him to go, and he couldn't refuse, not after the year she had. 

Once more, he found himself pushing through a crowd of detectives to find the quietest part of the room. 

“Counsellor!” 

Rafael spun around, already knowing who was calling him. 

“What’s up, Carisi?” 

Since last year, the pair had grown closer as friends, and Rafael sometimes forgot how he really felt about Carisi. 

“I didn’t think you were coming tonight, what changed?” Carisi asked once he made his way over to Rafael. 

“Liv asked me to come, I couldn’t exactly say no.” He answered, glancing around the room to see if he could spot Benson. 

“What about if I asked?” Sonny dropped his gaze to the floor, avoiding eye contact with Rafael. 

“What do you mean?” Rafael asked, confusion written on his face. 

“If I asked, would you have come?” 

There was silence between the pair as Rafael tried to find an answer. Luckily, before he could, Liv found him. 

“Rafa, you came!” She said, glancing between him and Sonny. “Can I have a word?” 

Rafael nodded, looking back to Sonny one last time before following Liv into her office. 

“What are you playing at, Rafa?” Liv shot at him, closing the door behind her. 

“Liv, please, not tonight.” He replied, balling his hands into fists in his pockets out of frustration. 

“Rafa, you killed a baby.” The aggression in her voice hid her disappointment well. 

“And I went to trial for it. When can we move on from this?” He asked, turning to look out the celebrating detectives. He found Carisi in the crowd and watched him for a minute before turning back to Liv. 

“I’m leaving.” He said quickly, not wanting to start another argument. “I can’t stay here, not for much longer. I have to go. I have to move on.” 

He didn’t bother to wait for an answer. He turned and left Liv’s office, pushing through the crowd of detectives quickly and quietly. 

He didn’t even look back when he heard Carisi shouting his name. 

New Years Eve, 2020

Rafael made his way into the precinct, something he hadn't expected to do again for a long time. 

It was the same as it always was, full of detectives celebrating the end of one year and the start of a new one. 

“Counsellor!” 

Rafael turned, dread in his stomach as he found himself face to face with Sonny Carisi once more. 

“I didn’t know you were coming back.” He said, frowning. 

“It’s only for a case, I'm not back for good.” Rafael answered, trying not to lose himself in Sonny’s eyes. 

“Oh.” Was all Sonny managed. “Well, it’s good to see you again.”

“You too, Sonny.” Rafael said, and he meant it. He missed the way he felt when he was around Carisi. He missed Carisis’ jokes, and his laughter, and his smile. Really, he just missed Sonny. 

Before Sonny could say anything else, he turned and found Liv in her office once again. They spent the next half hour talking about everything Rafael missed. 

“I should go.” Rafael checked his watch. It was almost midnight, and he would rather leave before the countdown. “It was nice seeing you, Liv.” He turned and left her office, waving as he went. 

He managed to slip through the crowd, avoiding Sonny, as he left the precinct. 

He stopped outside, looking up at the stars as he had done so many years ago. 

As he stood on the quiet street, he heard the counting begin inside, followed by a shout closer to him. 

10

9 

Sonny walked out of the precinct, and stopped in front of Rafael. 

8

7 

Rafael was frozen, eyes locked with Sonny. 

6 

5

Sonny took a step closer to Rafael. There was barely an inch between them. 

4

3

Sonny reached up, holding his hand lightly against Rafael’s face, his thumb gently stroking his cheek. Rafael felt all the air escape his lungs. 

2

1

Sonny kissed Rafael, and it was everything he had imagined and more. Rafael put his hands on Sonny’s shoulders, steadying himself. 

“Happy new year, Rafael.” Sonny whispered as he pulled back. 

“Happy new year, Sonny. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this.” Rafael muttered, leaning against Sonny’s chest. 

“You can’t leave. Not again.” Sonny pleaded, stroking Rafael's hair as he spoke. 

"I have something to stay for now." He replied, stepping back to kiss Sonny again. "I'm not going anywhere."


End file.
